


And When I Die

by Colorsplash



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, I don't know, Implied abuse, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Original Character(s), School Work, This is my project for Creative Writing Class, how do you tag, how to tag, like srsly?, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 18:37:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18267116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colorsplash/pseuds/Colorsplash
Summary: Logically, Damien knew he couldn’t stay hidden away from the world. Locked up inside the cold, cramped bathroom. And, he was alone. The spotless white tiles are the only solace he has. His only friend was his own reflection that was currently mocking him.He didn’t even recognize himself.He was pale, too pale to be considered normal. His ebony hair, limp and damp; pressing against his forehead. Deep purple bags were underneath his eyes, making him look sickly. His hazel eyes, once full of mirth, is now hallow and dead.





	And When I Die

**Author's Note:**

> A story written for my Creative Writing class

It was like an abyss of pain. All these feelings and regrets he has long buried, resurfacing without remorse. An incessant shadow that won’t leave no matter what he did. In all his life, Damien has never found such hunger and desire before. Such a beast of burden that plunged itself deep inside of him, screaming to be acknowledged.

It was all his fault, really. The one person who could heal the gaping wound was the one person who caused it in the first place – himself. Damien, let out a bitter laugh. He’s pathetic and he knows that. There’s no use in denying it.

He’s responsible for this.

Logically, Damien knew he couldn't stay hidden away from the world. Locked up inside the cold, cramped bathroom. And, he was alone. The spotless white tiles are the only solace he has. His only friend was his own reflection that was currently mocking him.

He didn't even recognize himself.

He was pale, too pale to be considered normal. His ebony hair, limp and damp; pressing against his forehead. Deep purple bags were underneath his eyes, making him look sickly. His hazel eyes, once full of mirth, is now hallow and dead.

Hallow and dead. That’s what he is now and what he will be.

Soon.

It wasn't the first time that everything in his life is in shambles.

 

* * *

 

_Hell still isn't on the loose, but it's getting there. Damien knew that from the moment he woke up for the day. The sun barely up with a few scattered rays making their way through his bedroom windows. He huffed as he got up from his bed, shuffling quietly towards the bathroom down the hall. Careful not to wake up his parents._

_The house hasn't felt like home for a long time. And if he was being honest, he can’t even remember a time where he felt safe and loved behind these walls. Those happy days of his childhood is now a muddle of memories._

_Photographs lined the hallway, showing off the ideal family. Damien scoffed at that thought. He didn't feel like he was part of the family, he was more of the unwanted guest in the Chase household. His parents wanted so badly to present how perfect their family is. Hypocrite. Even behind those smiles, he could still detect the coldness in his parents’ eyes._

_There wasn't anything genuine about his family. He could still hear their screams of anger, disappointment and disgusts. He can still feel the stinging hand-prints in his skin just for being who he is. He didn't wanted to hide in the closet all those years ago, so he came out and his life bitterly changed._

_The water was freezing, jolting him up and erasing the last remnants of sleep off of him. Swiftly finishing his morning routine, he made his back to his bedroom._

_The sharp creak on the floorboard warned him. His parents were awake. Fear began to descend upon him._

 

* * *

 

His parents were, for the lack of a better word, difficult. They preach about equality, yet deny their own son that right. Robert and Natalie Chase. Damien couldn't even bring himself to call them mom and dad.

They deny him of his happiness, push him towards the edge. To a point where Damien hurt the person that he truly cared about. To a point where he doesn't even know who he is anymore. And for what?

So he can finally get his parent’s approval?

 

* * *

 

_The mark was too noticeable for his liking, against his pale skin. It was red. He won’t be able to hide it. Dabbing a wet cloth against his cheek in hopes of erasing his father’s hand-print, Damien couldn't wait to be at school._

_Gazing at his reflection one last time, Damien grabbed his bag and dashed out of the house. His school was only a couple blocks away so he opted to walk. Further delaying the time when his friends would see his face._

_He was lucky in some way that he had some friends that truly accepted him. Teachers that are open-minded. That his school was more accepting than his parents ever were. For all the hardships his parents made him go through, enrolling him to this particular high school was the best thing that ever happened to him._

_Well, one of the best things that ever happened to him._

_A smile slowly painted Damien’s face. He felt giddy as reached the steps of John Adams High School. Walking pass the doors he began searching for one of the best things that ever happened to him._

_Alexander._

_His boyfriend was standing there, leaning against his locker. Waiting for him as usual. It became a routine that started the first few months that they were dating and Damien wouldn't have it any other way. His boyfriend looked exquisite, just standing there without doing anything. Damien couldn't believe how lucky he was to be with someone like Alexander._

_The smile that appeared on Alexander’s face when he caught sight of Damien made his heart flutter._

_“Hey,” Alexander greeted once Damien reached his side. The smile on his face fell when he got a good look of Damien’s face. “What happened?”_

_Worry and concern was laced on Alexander’s voice. Damien forgot about the raging red bruise on his face. He didn't want Alexander to see him this way, weak and scarred. He quickly turned his face away from Alexander, ashamed. He didn't want to burden Alexander with his problems. Damien didn't want to pull Alexander down with him._

_“Hey, look at me.” Alexander said, caressing his swollen cheek, making Damien look at him. The look on Alexander’s face almost made Damien burst out crying. It was full of love and adoration._

_Damien was pretty sure he just fell in love all over again._

_“You know you can trust me, right? I’m right here for you.” Alexander said, smiling softly. “Always.”_

 

* * *

 

He should have known.

He should have known from the very start that people like him didn't deserve to be happy, didn't deserve someone like Alexander.

His sweet, charming Alexander deserved better than someone like him. He had been the one to cause Alexander so much pain. The disappointment behind Alexander’s kind, blue eyes would forever haunt him. He allowed fear to control his every decision, to push away the one person he truly loved and now this was his consequence - a life without Alexander.

 

* * *

 

_The words spoken hung tensely in the air sucking the life out of the place._

_“What did you just say?” Alexander asked, turning back to face him. The street was empty, save for a few pedestrians passing by. The rain fell rhythmically around them, engulfing them as the umbrella laid abandoned on the street. Alexander’s blue eyes pierced through Damien, begging, hoping for him to take back the words he just spoke, but he can’t._

_“I know you heard me, Alexander.” Damien pressed on, refusing to back down, “I’m breaking up with you.”_

_“You can’t be serious._

_“I am.” There wasn't a hint of second-thoughts in his voice, no nerve, and frankly, it scared Damien how easily he uttered those words. “This thing between us, it was a mistake.”_  
_“You don’t mean that.” Alexander pleaded, his voice soft and fragile. Damien wasn't use to hearing him that way, he was always the stronger one in their relationship, the tough one. The rock while he was the sand slowly slipping away._

_Grasping Damien’s hands in his, Alexander searched his face, looking for a sign that this wasn't real. That Damien didn't mean what he said and everything will be back to normal. That his boyfriend would assure him that their relationship wasn't a mistake. Anything._

_“Please tell me this isn't really happening. Please, Damien.”_

_Pulling his hands away from Alexander, it pained Damien. It pained him to see Alexander so broken, and it hurt him even more that he was the reason behind the tears. “I’m so sorry, Alexander.”_

_“Please, Damien. I love you and I know you love me, just please.” Alexander was crying now, his tears mixing with the rain. He was desperately clinging, pleading. Damien never meant to make such a mess. “You and me, we always find our way back to each other.”_

_“Goodbye, Alexander.”_

 

* * *

 

It’s that simple, right?

Breaking up was the best for everyone. He wouldn't be pulling Alexander down with him, down the endless pit of despair and suffering. And besides, Alexander would find someone else, someone better.

 

* * *

 

_Watching Alexander simply exist was one of the most beautifully torturing things he had ever experienced. Damien’s chest heaved, making it hard to breathe, as Alexander threw his head back and laughed in a way only Damien thought he could cause. There are many things Damien could stomach, countless beatings and screeching from his parents, but seeing Alexander with someone else, honestly hurt._

_Damien just wanted to touch him, to feel the warm vibrations of Alexander’s skin, to hold him close. He knew he was bound to run into Alexander, eventually. With them attending the same school and both of them running around the same circle of friends. It’s just, he honestly didn’t realize how much Alexander’s presence would affect him, how truly excruciating it would be. It was a welcome change in Alexander’s demeanor compared from the way they had left each other, on that cold and rainy night on the middle of the street. The rain had washed away Alexander’s tears as his reddened eyes glanced at Damien for the last time._

_The Alexander before him was nothing compared to to the broken man he once knew, rather he was more like the Alexander who had first captivated him. Young and carefree, valiant and full of life. Damien had held him back, had buried the real Alexander, had shackled him to prison. A prison Alexander had long since freed himself from._

_Damien needed to get a grip. He was the one that ended things with Alexander. He had no right to feel that way, to jealousy and regret._

_He lost his claim on Alexander’s heart._

 

* * *

 

Damien shook himself free of the hazy daze that had swallowed him whole.

Maybe the break-up wasn't the best course of action. Maybe something else would be a better fix to this whole mess. His home life didn't change that much after the break-up. Sure, his parents’ rage lessened, but it never vanished completely. He was still a disappointment and a burden. No surprise there.

Damien was slipping away. He could feel it. He was slowly losing his grip on his sanity. Damien’s breathing became labored as he leaned over the sink, the cool marble against the palm of his hands was the only thing anchoring him to reality. The only thing he could focus on, the only thing he could feel.

Maybe, just maybe he deserves this. All the pain and suffering he was experiencing. He did this to himself. There was no one else to blame. Just him, just Damien. He deserves pain. The slight gleam of the sharp razor caught his eye. It was hidden deep inside the medicine cabinet, but it was there. Reaching for it, it felt cool and real against his clammy hands.

Maybe, just maybe.

 

* * *

 

_Alexander was avoiding him and honestly, Damien wasn't even surprised. He would also avoid himself if he could. But, he can’t, so he’s stuck with himself. Great._

_He tried, really he did, to move on from Alexander but, he just can’t erase months worth of memories that he shared with Alexander._

_He can still remember their first kiss. How Alexander’s lips felt soft and sweet against his, their hands searching for each other, to feel each others’ warmth and to drink in each others’ presence. He can still vividly imagine the day when Alexander asked him out, how the usual confident boy suddenly turned shy, stuttering out the question. He remembered how Alexander’s ocean blue eyes lit up, when he said yes._

 

* * *

 

He tried really he did. All he ever did just provided a temporary remedy to his longing. Nothing could erase the constant ache in his chest, the disquiet and unrest as he yearned for more. Something more complete and honest, something comforting and warm, something akin to everything Alexander gave him, nothing else.

Maybe, the silver razor in his hand was the answer. The only one that would ease the ache in his chest.

After all, he deserves the pain.

 

* * *

 

_Damien didn't know why, but he needed to talk to Alexander. The one person who would always listen to him and would never judge him. The only person who loved every single thing about him, even his flaws and imperfections. He almost went to Alexander’s house like he usually does, but he stopped himself. He doesn't get to do that anymore._

_So a phone call was the next best thing he could do. He didn't expect Alexander to answer his call, but it still hurt him seeing how much Alexander alienated himself._  
_“Alexander, I don’t even know if you’ll even listen to my voice message. Honestly, I won’t blame you if you’d delete this message without actually hearing it,” he was shaking, his hands, his voice, his very being. “I just needed to talk to you and to tell you I’m sorry.”_

_He could feel his heart pounding, ready to burst out of his chest. The tears he tried to keep at bay were now streaming down his face, he was choking a bit but he pushed through, wanting to say his piece before it was too late. “Just know that you weren't a mistake. In fact you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m sorry if I let fear destroy us. I’m sorry if I gave you up just so that I would be accepted by my parents.”_

_“I wish I could turn back time and change everything but I can’t.” Damien was hysterical now, his voice wavering. “Know that I love you so much and I hope you would find someone better because you deserve so much more than me, my dear Alexander.”_

_“This is it Alexander. Goodbye.”_

 

* * *

 

His skin was stinging now, blood oozing out of him. A thick, metallic smell filled the room. His blood looked out of place among the spotless white tiles. He slid down the floor, staring blankly out in space.

It was like an abyss of pain. All those feelings and regrets, he has long buried, resurfacing without remorse. An incessant shadow that won’t leave no matter what he did. In all his life, Damien has never found such hunger and desire before. Such a beast of burden that plunged itself deep inside of him, screaming to be acknowledged.

It was now acknowledged and well fed.

This was for the best.

He did this to himself.

No one else to be blamed but himself.

He deserves pain.

Hallow and dead.

That’s what he is and what he’ll always be.

He closed his eyes, maybe for the last time.

He would be long gone by the time his parents would find him. After all the things he experienced behind these walls, he still loves them. And they deserved a better son, a son that wasn't a disappointment and a burden.

It was quiet now.

A sudden ringing cut through the atmosphere, it was his phone. Too feeble to pick it up, he stared at the screen. Trying into see who was calling him.

It was Alexander.


End file.
